Thursday, March 26, 2009

Ride Report: flats suck

Today I rode from Redwood city The weather was lovely ... the sun was shining, birds were chirping, the rich were walking the dish loop at Stanford... glass was glistening in the bike lane Right when I crossed El Camino I thought to myself "gosh it's so weird how every time I'm on this particular patch of road I always think I have a flat! It's all those mini rolling bumps!!" but then I noticed myself thinking it longer than usual... I was scared to look down at my tire... "ooohhh please no no no no no" But of course....I had one I pull over and think "well... I guess today will be the day I fix a flat by myself for the first time" as I open my little zipper-d up sack thingie on the back of my seat. And I thought that right until I realized I had nothing in my little zipper-d up sack thingie. shit so then I think to call my homie and office mate so he could come get me. And what happens? Friggin blackberry from hell is on low battery and won't let me call. I'm deserted!! At that point my MacGyver-like instincs emerged... "hmm.... I do at least have a pump...I should try and pump up my tire and see if the little flat-causing-hole will just know... forget to let out air!" Turns out it remembred... And so I started walking my bike...kicking little pebbles and muttering a stream of invectives until a mountain biker dude passed me. At first he keeps going and I was like "am I invisible?! Am I fundamentally un-bike-lovable?!" but then he stoped a bit up and sort of stared at me. "Are you just taking a break or do you need help" I think "if I wanted a break I'd just stop pedaling... walking this thing is significantly more work than that!" I say "oh no no I need help!" and proceed to tell him my sad tale he used his patch kit, fixed my tire (as I *believe* a few Googlers passed me... I thought I saw an Oscar the Grouch jersey) and sent me on my merry (and very late) way. Lesson: I hates flats. I hates blackberries. And I hates that I didn't look in my friggin sack thingie ahead of time! The end -Heather PS: thank you mountain bike riding dude from Campbell!! --- That is a sad, sad tale, heather. -mike --- it's not a "sack thingie", it's a scrotum, just so you know. -sc --- Let this be a lesson to you not to do things half assed, you're either whole assed and riding from SF or you're sitting on the side of the road. ;) oh and Scott's right, it's a scrotum. as long as you're an amateur make sure it's full, once you go pro like Lance you can afford to do the half fill thing but then he's got a car trailing him with new wonder machines. -steve --- it really called a scrotum or is this like the time my friend in high school told me it's 4:30 (not 4:20) ?? yeah riding "naked" is no good! Riding without the skills to actually fix a flat isn't so hot either but baby steps, baby steps :) --- It really is called the scrotum, and all experienced cyclists also call a mini-pump 'the wanker' -nils --- Murph's saddle bag looks exactly like a scrotum. I try to avoid looking at it. -ted --- Heather, I, for one, have never referred to my saddlebag as a scrotum. I don't know -- it does seem kind of like high school. If you do find this hilarious, however, you might enjoy --- ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! I'm so happy I'm female. I'm so happy I'm female -heather --- If you ride tubulars and the saddle bag is a scrotum, then would the spare tire strapped to it be the epididimys? Sorry, needed comic relief, today has been way too serious so far. Barry --- I think that those balls are a great way to keep someone from wheel sucking but, I don't think I could sport one. Besides I like riding in groups :) -thEPO --- Yeah, that's my Grouchy jersey. I called out a "How ya doin'?" but seemed to get a happy reply, so I breezed on past, only afterward saying, "Oh, that was Heather, wasn't it?" Had I known the abuse the Campbell mountain biker was subjecting you to, I would not only have stopped but made Lina and Nils sing you a happy little song. --mark --- nils speaks the truth. it's simply the most descriptive/shortest term, and thus it has gained ascendancy. i often forget its puerile provenance and talk about "checking my scrotum" in mixed company, which can elicit some amusing reactions. -sc --- Yes, and it's common to hear 'i stuck the wanker on the valve, flipped the tip, and started pumping' Really, you shouldn't be alarmed if you hear things like this on the road. -nils --- or even, before i knew it was a snakebite on my tube, i popped my wanker out of my scrotum and went to town. i wailed on that thing heroically but after 40 or 50 squirts i wasn't making any progress so i switched tactics, luckily i had packed my scrotum chock full of emergency supplies and so i was able to beat off an unfortunate situation with liberal application of vulcanizing fluid and some rubber patches. next time i'll make sure to ride with protection, maybe some Slime or Mr.Tuffy. -steve --- Well at least I don't need to browse casual encounters today for my dose of perversion. -sir chalk

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